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It has been ages, hasn’t it? I was going through some things. I think I still am, but I am no longer letting that be an excuse for not being myself, or not being present.

20 things about me :: girldust.com

20 things about me :: girldust.com

A lot of things make up a person. That’s such a  dumb-obvious thing to say. We are complex. While the internet sometimes makes sharing pieces of ourselves too easy, it can also a very safe and scripted platform. The things I share here are usually well thought out in advance.  I edit daily events to my liking, to fit into the space provided. There are a thousand parts of my day that I choose not to share. There are a thousand parts of myself that I choose not to share. I like that a  blog can be made of deep thoughts, photos, poetry or of lists, easily digested.

This one is an easily digested list, because it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. These are things that are a part of me, but not all of me, right now.

The afternoon is cool and sunny. It is May. Everything is (and will be) beautiful.

  1. My favorite colors are purple and blue-green.
  2. I do not believe in a God or gods or goddesses. I do believe in nature and science and animals. I believe in ghosts.
  3. I have not read as many books this year as I would like.
  4. I love the ocean. The coast of Maine is beautiful.
  5. My mother died when I was sixteen. I am thankful for the strong women in my life who helped fill the space in my heart. (aunts, dear friends of my mother and father, my friends, cousins, a sister-in-law, mothers of best friends, mothers of boyfriends). These are the women I recognize on Mother’s Day. I love them.
  6. I am in the process of re-watching The X Files from the beginning. This is probably why I haven’t read very many books.
  7. I’ve been sick an awful lot, this year. I’m not sure if it is symptomatic of depression, or if depression is symptomatic of illness. I do know that my job is to blame for much of it.
  8. I am having a really difficult time writing this. Twenty is a big number. It’s hard to get back in the groove. I thought this would help.
  9. It is the time for iced coffee and bare feet. My toes are freezing as I type this. I do not even care.
  10. I am actually going to finish some artwork. I’m looking forward to sharing.
  11. I love our tortoise, but I am looking forward to getting a dog (likely a lady beagle). We have also considered rats (I’ve had them in the past), but Tj is worried they won’t like him. McCoy (the tortoise) gets along pretty well with rats. A cat is out of the question.
  12. I very rarely find sea glass on the southern Maine coast. Anyone know a good beach?
  13. I like the idea of magic. I hope that it’s real for the people who believe it is real.
  14. I collect stones from all the places I’ve been. I get this from my father. Actually, I probably get collecting things in general from my mother. Only the blame for rocks, specifically, goes to Dad.
  15. My favorite art supplies these days are water colors, mixed papers, conte pencils, and gemstone chips.
  16. I have a hard time making friends. I’m just not a very social person. I am incredibly thankful for all the friends who have chosen to remain patient with my anti-social behavior and easily distracted mind. If you are reading this, I love you.
  17. The notifications that pop up when strangers invite me to join WoW guilds nearly send me into a whirlwind of panic. Who are you? What do you want from me? I just want to collect these carrots and kill this monster in peace. I don’t think MMORPG’s are for me.
  18. There is a candle sold at Hannaford that smells exactly like my Nana’s house did when I was growing up. It’s both comforting and alarming. I won’t buy one, but I go down the candle aisle every time I buy groceries.
  19. I had to put socks on. I decided I cared.
  20. Right now, my favorite essential oil blend to diffuse is Young Living’s Joy + lemon + grapefruit. It’s incredibly uplifting.

+ Today I had the pleasure of meeting some local artists at an open studio weekend at the Salmon Falls Mills. Seeing active artists in their studios is always inspirational. I came home with a million thoughts and ideas, and the biggest smile on my face. I started some new paint-sketches, worked on some projects, and finally finished this post that I had started well over a week ago.

Check out George Longfish, if you get a chance.

George Longfish Retrospective @ Northwest Museum 2009

I hope your weekend has been equally inspirational and lovely. Thanks for reading! Cheers to this week!

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Continuing with yesterday’s theme, and my 100 things, here are ten reasons I am thankful for my boyfriend:

timothy kayak

  1. He is a problem solver.
  2. He’s a socially well-adjusted nerd. He plays Dungeons & Dragons, watches obscure anime, and has an absolutely ridiculous collection of paperbacks, but he also functions as a nice-smelling member of society. I have been acquainted to many a nerdy gentleman; there is a lot to be said for this.
  3. He makes me laugh.
  4. He encourages me. He has supported many of even my most passing dreams and ideas.
  5. He is not a knight in shining armor. He is a beautiful and flawed human being, and that is so much better.
  6. He genuinely values my help and advice; I value his.
  7. He challenges me to be a better version of myself.
  8. I can absolutely, 100% see myself growing old with this person.
  9. He is the best person to travel with.
  10. I have loved every single book and movie he has ever suggested to me.

There are so many more reasons. There are more than I could ever think to write down. I am certain that every person is thankful for his or her partner, and I imagine that even some of the reasons are the same as my own, but I still consider myself incredibly fortunate to have this particular fellow in my life.

I am also feeling thankful that he will be home for this holiday (and probably Christmas, too)!

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Earlier this year, I made a list of 100 things I feel thankful for. For me, there is always so much to be thankful for, so much left unlisted. Making the list was both comforting and thought-provoking. I thought for Thanksgiving this year I would elaborate on a few of the more important things.

Ten Reasons I am thankful for my parents:

familiesareforever

  1. My mom and dad were both very creative people, and they encouraged creativity in me. I wrote and I painted, I sewed and sculpted. I still do.
  2. When I was very young, my mother made me truly believe that I could accomplish anything and be anyone. I lost that confidence as I grew older, but I am so thankful that as a little girl I had that much belief in myself. So many people are knocked down from the start.
  3. I am fairly certain my father is a genius. Genuine.
  4. When my mother died, I was sixteen, and I know I was a brat. I am sad that I lost my mother during such a pivotal phase of my life, and that she died before I could grow up and become the person who I am today.  But I knew at the time, even though our relationship was strained, that she would always have my back. We bickered constantly, but we never forgot to say “I love you.” That means so much to me, now.
  5. My parents trusted me, and I trusted them. They trusted me to make the right decisions for myself, and were there when I didn’t do quite that. My dad, especially, has been there for the most difficult turns.
  6. My mother encouraged my anime obsession. She helped me dream up cosplay ideas, and I remember decorating her hospital room wall with Sailor Moon sticker dolls after she had her heart attack.
  7. My father encouraged my “goth” phase. What a sweetheart. I wanted purple hair, he suggested blue. He bought me a coffin shaped jewelry box for my sixteenth birthday, drew cobwebs on the brown paper package, and wrote my name in “spooky” lettering.
  8. There were periods of time during my childhood when I know money was a serious issue. I never really felt it. I always had what I needed. I respect my mom and dad so much for this. They must have been hurting.
  9. They were both (and still, in my father’s case) amazing note and letter writers.
  10. Without them, I wouldn’t be me. For good and for bad, I am their daughter. This life is incredible: sometimes weird, sometimes sad, but incredible nonetheless.
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I was originally going to sort of maybe write this week off, but then I discovered “Blogtember” / Story of My Life, and felt compelled (inspired) to participate.

* Today’s prompt: describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

This is my lovely mother and father in 1968.

mumdad1

My mum was born in 1946 (she died in 2001), my father in 1935. This is, by far, my favorite photo of the two of them. My mother is so young; this is sixteen years before I was born. Six years after this photo was taken, they had a son.

My brother is ten years my senior, but we were relatively close growing up. I cannot describe the amount of patience this teenage boy must have had for his occasionally irritating younger sister. He may murder me for posting this photo. I don’t know. If I were him, I’d own it.

sabinme

This is a photo I would love to re-create someday (Sabin!).

This was taken outside my grandmother’s (my father’s mother) apartment on Main Street in Hardwick, Vermont. I grew up in this small town. We lived in the home my father grew up in. At the end of a long, long driveway on Mackville road is a big yellow farmhouse tucked behind a giant maple, and two lilac bushes that have grown into a forest. My parents were able to buy the house when my brother was younger; the house, barn and surrounding 14 acres had been out of the family at that point for years.

I feel blessed to have grown up under that hundred year old roof.

familiesareforever

My father presented me with this photo when I went home for Christmas, last year. Neither of us can remember exactly when or where it’s from. I think it was probably a church event, but it could also have been part of my pre-kindergarten screening, which would explain my brother’s absence; I think I’m three or four, here.

My father was always self-employed, and my mother worked primarily retail jobs. She spent many years in a local fabric and flower shop. She was also a quilter and seamstress.

I am both my parents. I can see it as clearly as I can see anything. I am Cheryl and Victor’s daughter. This I see as generally a joy, but there are some disadvantages. I am moody and anxious, and occasionally short-tempered. I have a difficult time communicating my needs. I can be impatient.

I think I am mostly a Densmore, but an aunt once commented on how much I am like my mother when she was younger, and I lost it.

dad

This is my father in 2002 or 2003. My mother passed away from complications due to her diabetes in 2001, which left the two of us on our own in the big yellow house. There was a strange quiet. Not uncomfortable, but it was palpable for both of us, despite our closeness. Without her there, even though she had been in and out of the hospital for a year at this point, everything just felt different. My father quit his paper route and worked shorter days so I wouldn’t be alone in the house for long. There was also, I think, some small sigh of relief between us. My mother hadn’t been herself in ages. I like to think her energy released itself full force into the world, and whatever part remained of her remained vibrant and sparkling. It does still sadden me sometimes to think that I was a such a mess of a teenager when my mother passed. I wish she had been able to see me grow up and be well. I suppose there is a part of her with me, always.

My brother and his family recently moved back to Vermont to live in the house with my father. The last time I was home, I caught a half-second glimmer of what the place used to be. A little girl dancing in the living room, a blonde teenage boy and his patience, a golden retriever, cats licking the butter, my father scribbling poetry in front of the wood stove. I know he must feel it, too. After the years of quiet, the house is alive. I imagine sometimes my dad wants to get away from it (we are both quiet people), but I can’t help feel that the house is happiest when it is full.

blogtember

* I will continue posting regular entries, this month, occasionally resulting in two-post days.

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mothwishes

Last week I wanted to get out of my house and enjoy Dover. My dad’s visit was the perfect opportunity to do just that. The weather was lovely, perfect for being out and about, and his company was so greatly appreciated.

This week my goal is to stay upbeat, and to fully take advantage of my hours away from work before my driving class starts next Monday. I am feeling a  little anxious, but my efforts to prevent anxiety by staying organized and prepared have paid off. I’m a whole lot less frantic feeling that I was anticipating. There are a few loose ends to tie up, financially, but I’m not going to waste energy worrying about it. Oddly enough, I am more nervous about the social aspect of the class than I am about the actual driving at this point. I will likely be among a bunch of teenagers, and I am very uneasy in new surroundings and situations. Uuuugh. All in all though, I’ve been looking at the positive. I know this class will help ease my fears. I like structure.

Until then, I am going to find pleasure in the smallest things and remember to act intuitively. I’m going to be extra kind to myself and to everyone around me, this week (especially Timothy and his sweet family). I want time to slow down just a tiny bit. My “to do” list has been done, and this is all that is left.

This space may be a little quiet this week. My energy is focused elsewhere.

Linking up with The Nectar Collective. ♥

PS. Now that it’s September, I am officially ready to pumpkin spice all the things.

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