It never hurts to take a little time to reflect and process.
June is going to be a big month, for me, one that will be (I hope) full of positive change. I recently left my job, which is as much of a relief as it is terrifying. While I feel like the word “toxic” is way overused (ugh), I 100% believe that retail, especially the weird secondhand corner of the retail world my former employer resides in, can be an extremely toxic environment. It certainly took its toll on me. After four and half years, it was time for a change. There were some great days, though, for sure. Treasured objects and people.
I worked hard on my college degree, learning about the things I loved, only to gently push it aside, waiting for “later.” Now that I’m fully dedicated to grad school, I realize that I’ve been missing out. A lot of that comes from insecurity and uncertainty, for sure, because I worry that maybe I waited too long, or that I didn’t look for the right opportunities. There are a lot of what ifs. I’ve never been a big risk-taker. I’m worried that younger, ballsier people will leave me in the dust. They probably will. I don’t know how to do my makeup, and I wear too much black, and I never know what to say, or what to do with my hands when people are talking to me. That being said, I guess I’d rather be trying and failing than just continuing to float semi-miserably along.
The difficult thing now is to transition. I’ve been working retail since undergrad, because it always paid the bills. That’s eight years under my belt in a world I really don’t want to be a part of any longer. So where to go from here?
That remains the question.
I’m cleaning out my desk drawer in preparation for moving. Things are slowly going into boxes. There’s a lot of clutter to get rid of, papers to sift through. I want to start fresh, but there are some things I will always take with me. I really don’t think you can ever just drop everything and go. Maybe some people can.
There is a dress in a box in my closet that I’ve had since I lived in Burlington. I bought it on clearance at Urban Outfitters, my second year at UVM. That knowledge is not special; I know where and when all my clothing has come from. There is nothing spectacular about this dress. Despite not currently being able to fit into it, or even wanting to be able to fit into it (it’s equivalent, I think, to a size 2, like no that is not happening), I haven’t been able to let it go. It doesn’t represent anything in particular, at least nothing I can put a finger on. At that point, I was still trying to figure things out. There is nothing about this dress that I even like. The colors aren’t me, the material makes me sweat, and the cut is not even remotely flattering. I finally managed to move it from a hanger to a donation box a few months ago. I haven’t looked at it since, I do not miss it, and yet for some reason I couldn’t be bothered to get that box of donations out the door.
That box is gone this week. The fact that it’s even occupying any part of my brain is seriously driving me batty.
This full moon means beautiful things are afoot. June is a month that has often left me feeling a little empty. There are memories here that will always be with me. If I can take even some of that sadness and turn it into something new and good, I will consider it a success.
The friends I used to drink cider and howl at the moon with are three hours and a mountain range or two away, but summer makes me think of them.
Thanks for stopping by. My name is Naomi, and this space is made of girldust. This blog is a picture of my comfortably scattered life on the coast of Maine. I'm trying to be a slightly better version of myself every day. I like old houses, reading, the ocean, ghost stories, and museums. You can learn a little bit more about me here.